Lauren

scared about
being judged

When I found out I was pregnant, I was just 17.

I had recently finished drug treatment and started my senior year at a new school, Cheyenne Mountain High School. When I called my boyfriend to tell him the news, he didn’t believe the baby was his and he wanted nothing to do with me.

Truthfully, I didn’t want to be pregnant. I didn’t want to get fat and I didn’t want people judging me at my new school. Abortion was my only option.

My mom took me to the abortion clinic. They sat me down and explained all of the abortion procedures to me along with how much each would cost. I couldn’t stop crying. When I heard that I could either take a pill and go through a lot of pain and lose my baby three days later or be put under while they scraped my baby out of my uterus, I realized that neither of these options were what I wanted to do. I waited for them to talk about my other options. They never did. I felt sick about everything and I left crying.

I went to the Pregnancy Center near the abortion clinic and it felt totally different. They talked to me about all of my options — abortion, parenting and adoption. At the end of my appointment, they offered me a free ultrasound. Seeing my baby changed everything! I fell in love with the tiny black and white figure on the screen. I could see his little hand, his perfect spine, his beating heart and his fingers and toes. I knew at that point I could not have an abortion.

I’d been thinking a lot about all of my options and I decided that I would look into adoption. My dad basically abandoned me when I was a little girl so I didn’t want my baby to have a single parent I wanted him to have a dad, too.

When I was about four months pregnant, I chose a couple who lived in North Carolina who used to live in Colorado Springs. They were amazing. They had no other children because they had trouble getting pregnant and had gone through a few miscarriages. They flew out to meet me after I’d chosen them and I was instantly in love with this family. We stayed in touch throughout the rest of my pregnancy and the adoptive mom was even there when my son was born.

The day I had to give my baby to his new parents was the hardest day of my life. We had met to have a picnic and say our goodbyes. As they packed up their car I took my baby boy into my arms and walked into the middle of a field where I could be alone with him. I held him tight, kissed his face and told him how much I loved him. I apologized to him because I knew I could not provide for him what this couple could give him. I hoped he would be okay with the decision I made for his life.

As they drove away, my heart broke. The pain was unbearable. But, I knew my pain was worth it all if it meant my little boy had the chance to have a wonderful life.

I hear from the adoptive couple often. We are like family now. They regularly call me and send photos and videos. Though I haven’t been there for his first smile or his first steps, they have done everything to help me feel like I am still a part of his life. Adoption was the best decision for me and for my baby.

Note: All names and some identifying references have been changed to protect confidentiality.

help for a situation like this

Colorado Springs Pregnancy Center

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